We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
