I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
