Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
