Heybabeimwearingurpanties
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
