she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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