How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
My vagina just clenched in fear
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize