oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
