By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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