i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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