Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
