Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Randomize
