Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
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