i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
