I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
