I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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