Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
