I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Randomize
