2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
