happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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