I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
