Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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