once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
