last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
well you can't waste a boner
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
