I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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