Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Randomize
