Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize
