Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
