It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
