I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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