Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
