I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
my god I love twenty year old dicks
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
how does that bad decision feel?
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
