How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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