One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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