He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
