good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
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