A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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