I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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