The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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