Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
