mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
