My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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