Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Randomize
