Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
