Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
zippers are such a cool invention
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
