so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
