Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
