the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
