Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Randomize
