Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
