I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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